I don’t ride my bike everywhere all the time because I think you have to be somewhat suicidal to do that. Maybe I have an overdeveloped instinct of self-preservation, but I’ve seen how other people drive and I’d like to live to see that age when I can go around telling everyone what I honestly think about them and not worry about getting my ass kicked. I wanna be that elderly woman with a holo-walker who asks, “What are you gonna do about it, sonny?” with my titanium dentures peeking out from behind my menacing snarl.
Anyway, when I do ride my bike, I appreciate having a bike lane that at least sets aside a little room that’s legally just for me. Except for when I see these idiots.
You know who I’m talking about. The super-human running machines who are going so fast they’ve broken the sound barrier and the fabric of the entire space-time continuum. They’re going so fast, they’re actually lapping themselves and to the naive naked eye, it would appear that they’re really only going an average of 6mph.
You know what the average speed of a bike ride is? Anywhere from 12-20mph. Worst case scenario (and by that I mean a jaunty little cruise down the street), that’s still twice as fast as the power joggers who think the sidewalk simply can’t handle them. When you’re actively pedaling or going downhill, that speed increases quite a lot. You know what doesn’t increase? MY PATIENCE FOR THE JOGGER IMBECILES WHO MAKE ME DRIVE INTO THE ROADWAY AND INCREASE MY CHANCES OF GETTING HIT BY A CAR.
Ahem. Where was I? I lost my train of thought when my eyes became clouded over with hate. Oh right. Because these joggers don’t want to risk having to occasionally run around a family with a stroller or an elderly Russian couple on the sidewalk, they think it’s totally acceptable to make bicyclists go around them by entering the roadway and increasing the risk of getting hit by a car (which also goes way faster than a bike, and therefore deserves its own space). For the same reason it’s dangerous to drive slowly in the fast lane on the freeway (you make cars behind you brake and swerve around), it’s dangerous to jog in the bike lane. Stop doing it. Stop it right now. Or the next time I ride past you, I shall hurl insults down upon you and guess what? You won’t be able to catch me.
To these selfish imbeciles, I dedicate the following poem.
Hey speed demon, look at you!
You’re the fastest mammal in this zoo.
Whizzing past all those parked cars,
Your face is glistening like the stars.
You’re goin’ so fast, the sidewalk can’t take it,
You jog in the bike lane. No sidewalk, you’ll break it.
Meanwhile I’m braking and swerving around you,
Cause you’re too dumb to think about those who surround you.
Plotting to land one swift kick on your bottom,
I slow down my bike and yell loudly, “I got him!”
Then as I speed up I’ll gleefully taunt you,
Knowing my kick on your bottom will haunt you.
Rage with me, friends. Tell me what angers you, and if it angers me too, I’ll write about it. Your pet peeves will be memorialized in terrible poetry.