There’s a guy at my gym who blasts awful music at 5AM. I call him Shitty Shitty Bang Bang (on account of his shitty loud music, you see).
He not only plays hip hop, one of my least favorite genres, but he plays shitty second-rate hip hop at that. On blast. At 5 in the morning.
He makes me want to curb stomp his stereo.
See, I’m not what you’d call a morning person. I’m clumsy and grumpy when I wake up before dawn and I like silence to give my brain time to catch up to my body. What I don’t like are some guy’s terrible beats yelling at me through the speakers of a cheap stereo, telling me all about the bitches and other things, while I try to lift heavy things.
For some reason, everyone else who wants to listen to their own music at the gym has figured out to bring headphones and quietly listen to whatever cheesy ABBA song inspires them to do deeper squats. Continue reading →
When Jayne and I were writing our novel, I discovered a new level of Hell. You see, we were using Google Docs (or Google Drive now, I guess) to write our book simultaneously. I was expecting that to be problematic on its own–maybe the Google would get confused by two versions constantly being updated from different computers. I didn’t know how the Google works.
But I did learn that the Google is a fucking moron at English.
It started with Google trying to correct my tense. For some reason, the only tense Google thinks it suitable is the past tense. It doesn’t matter if all the other verbs surrounding this one are present tense–Google thinks this one in particular needs to be past tense. Don’t ask why. It just does. And as any good writer knows, past tense should be used sparingly. I would probably be less annoyed if the Goog suggested all the verbs be changed to past tense, but no–it was only some.
So, I’d get sentences like, “I stoop down and began to tie my shoes.”
Or even more annoying ones like, “I found a bag of froze peas for his bruised knuckles.”
This post is dedicated to Jayne, who lives with this horror every day, and to Julia, who knows that this is an international epidemic.
Look guys, I think we need to have a fundraiser. We’re going to be raising awareness for elderly and disabled bags that clearly don’t get enough seats on the bus. Seats that are otherwise greedily taken up by elderly, pregnant, and disabled humans (eugh, humans).
These poor bags have to carry groceries from point A to point B and then suffer the disgrace and shame of being placed on the floor like some kind of objects. The humiliation and lack of empathy is astounding. Where’s the ACLU? Where’s Rosa Parks? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?
This one’s dedicated to Alexandra, who reminded me how much I hate this.
So, I’m walking in Berkeley, trying to get to class with some semblance of punctuality, when I get stuck behind that impenetrable wall of pure pedestrian evil–that group that walks side by side.
Five people. Next to each other. On the narrow sidewalk. Just chattin’.
I hate them consistently–no matter where they are, where they’re going, or what they’re doing (unless they’re elderly. I’m not a monster.). I hate them because if I’m walking behind them, I get stuck going whatever inevitably slow-ass pace they can handle that afternoon and I can’t go around because they take up ALL THE SPACE.
But I hate them even more when they’re walking towards me.
Here’s the thing: I think there’s an unspoken agreement most pedestrians seem to understand. Two people walking side-by-side on the average American sidewalk is fine (I can’t speak for Europe. It’s a no-man’s-land where anything goes). Anything more than two means one of them is walking into oncoming (pedestrian) traffic.
So, when I’m out and see these imbeciles on the end of the row barrelling down the sidewalk like a fucking snow plow, making oncoming pedestrians have to shrink to the side to make way for them like they’re the fucking royal entourage, I do the one thing I do best–brace my shoulder and shove. Continue reading →