The Culinary Adventures of Tatiana and Jayne: Bartending

A fine dinner is incomplete without some equally fine drinks to go with it. And every now and then, Jayne and I like to experiment with mixing our own fine drinks, in the name of science. Here’s our tried and true formula for a fine evening of mixing cocktails.

Haul Ass to BevMo

Besides Trader Joe’s, this is pretty much our favorite store. First of all, we discover so many amazing sounding drinks we didn’t know existed (Schofferhofer! Blueberry vodka!), then we discover all the ingredients that actually make those drinks drinkable (Simple syrup! Other things!), and finally–the knick-knacks that take it from “drink” to full-on “fiesta” (Maraschino cherries! Little umbrellas!). We pick out a few of each of those three categories and take them to the cash register, where we giggle way too excitedly so that we actually seem like we’re under 21 and trying to sneak ourselves some booze.

Start With a Recipe

The way we like to get started is to look up a fairly simple recipe online and play around with it to get an idea of what proportions taste good. You’re going to feel pretty fancy at first, mixing all those different liquids into one concoction and discovering that it actually tastes good. You might even get smug. Sort of like this:IMG_5912 (800x600)

That’s unwise. There’s more to bartending than just mixing all the little shiny liquids. But I’ll get to that.

Strike a Bromantic Pose

When you’ve had a few drinks, you’ll be riding high on the success of your excellent mixing skills (and, you know, the alcohol in your bloodstream), so you’ll be tempted to act out some super bromantic scenes, before you discover that one of you is too short for it to succeed and these crazy straws keep poking you in the eye.


Descend Into Chaos

At this point, you’re drunk with power (and, you know, alcohol), so you risk a few more, unorthodox juices into your drinks because if they taste good on their own, why wouldn’t they taste good in one insane mixture? You laugh maniacally as you pour in Coca Cola and some kind of peach puree and whatever other delicious thing you have in your fridge, until you’re left with a super-sweet, overly textured drink with an identity crisis. You begin to consider that maybe you went wrong somewhere.

Regret Everything

Depending on how much you had to drink, you might actually regret everything. We don’t usually hit that stage, because we’re pretty pro at this (see above photo), but we do begin to regret some things because at the end of it all, we are stuck with a bunch of bottles of alcohol that we’ve been using to mix the same damn drinks over and over. We would be fine if we never saw another Midori Sour this year. Because really–even if you don’t drink too much, you’ll probably still get sick of having the same damn drink all the time.







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