I am a city girl through and through. That means I have no problem shoving into people in a crowd, I swoop into parking spots like a hawk, and I jaywalk from time to time (for legal purposes, my jaywalking is “alleged”). However, when I (allegedly) jaywalk, I make sure there aren’t any cars coming and I speed up if a car does come toward me, for no other reason than my BASIC INSTINCT OF SELF PRESERVATION. Well, at least I used to think this instinct was basic, because every day of driving in a city proves me more and more wrong. Every day, there is some hipster asshole who steps out on red in front of my car, which is barrelling down the street towards a green light, and saunters his way across the street, forcing me to brake for him, because he can’t bothered to move in the way of impending death.
Why does he expect me to care more about the value of his hipster life than he does? Does he imagine that his own person is so awe-inspiring that cars automatically come to a stop when they see him? Are our own day-to-day affairs less important than whatever Instagram photo he’s currently looking at on his phone instead of watching the car coming at him? These are questions to which I may never get an answer, and yet they are posed every day when I honk at these people and get nothing but indignant scowls in return. Oh, I’m sorry, is my legal right of way getting in the way of your law-breaking? MY BAD.
Engrossed and enthralled by your own sexy gait,
You start crossing the street and make everyone wait.
Your skinny jeans hug you in all the right places,
And you feel so much love from admiring faces,
Everybody likes to watch you go by,
Even when you stop to look up at the sky,
We’re all here for you, just loving fans,
Not at all wondering about the plans,
Evolution has for you and your kind,
Evolution, hurry up, if you wouldn’t mind.
What pisses you off? Let me know in the comments, and if it pisses me off too, I’ll write about it and then we can be rage buddies together.
–Tatiana
Lady Bromance 