When Jayne and I were writing our novel, I discovered a new level of Hell. You see, we were using Google Docs (or Google Drive now, I guess) to write our book simultaneously. I was expecting that to be problematic on its own–maybe the Google would get confused by two versions constantly being updated from different computers. I didn’t know how the Google works.
But I did learn that the Google is a fucking moron at English.
It started with Google trying to correct my tense. For some reason, the only tense Google thinks it suitable is the past tense. It doesn’t matter if all the other verbs surrounding this one are present tense–Google thinks this one in particular needs to be past tense. Don’t ask why. It just does. And as any good writer knows, past tense should be used sparingly. I would probably be less annoyed if the Goog suggested all the verbs be changed to past tense, but no–it was only some.
So, I’d get sentences like, “I stoop down and began to tie my shoes.”
Or even more annoying ones like, “I found a bag of froze peas for his bruised knuckles.”
Oh, the peas were froze, were they? I’m sorry–was they?
Then, to really drive me crazy, Google would just fail to recognize certain words altogether. Like crumpling (Did you mean: crumbling? No! No I didn’t!)
It’s nuance, Google! NUANCE!
Then there are completely out of the blue treasures like:
Writing in Google is like talking to that one asshole friend who keeps correcting you even though he’s wrong and everyone knows it, but he’s too full of himself to notice.
It’s like talking to that coworker who likes using big words but doesn’t know what they mean.
So, I want to know–Google, why do you want to hurt me? What have I done to you that you feel the need to censor my words and torment me with your errors? Why can’t you get your shit together like my pal Word?
Google, my darling,
Oh Google, my pal,
You’re kind of a moron,
And that’s from a nice gal.
But as you correct me,
A fire inside burns,
You make me despise you,
And my mad rage returns.
HOW DARE YOU CORRECT ME,
You insolent mass,
Of programs and numbers?
Your English sucks ass.
Don’t tell me it’s “froze,”
Or that past tense is best,
I finished Berkeley,
You illiterate pest!
So next time you tell me,
My word choice was wrong,
Prepare for a hacking.
And to your code, “So long!”
–Tatiana. What pisses you off? Tell me about it. No, really. Do it. Google is watching.