All the Rage Wednesday: Poor Grammar Suggestions in Google Docs

When Jayne and I were writing our novel, I discovered a new level of Hell. You see, we were using Google Docs (or Google Drive now, I guess) to write our book simultaneously. I was expecting that to be problematic on its own–maybe the Google would get confused by two versions constantly being updated from different computers. I didn’t know how the Google works.

But I did learn that the Google is a fucking moron at English.

It started with Google trying to correct my tense. For some reason, the only tense Google thinks it suitable is the past tense. It doesn’t matter if all the other verbs surrounding this one are present tense–Google thinks this one in particular needs to be past tense. Don’t ask why. It just does. And as any good writer knows, past tense should be used sparingly. I would probably be less annoyed if the Goog suggested all the verbs be changed to past tense, but no–it was only some.

So, I’d get sentences like, “I stoop down and began to tie my shoes.”

No, Google. I didn't mean began. If I meant began, I'd have written it.
No, Google. I didn’t mean began. If I meant began, I’d have written it. And I’d have been a moron like you.

Or even more annoying ones like, “I found a bag of froze peas for his bruised knuckles.”

Oh, the peas were froze, were they? I’m sorry–was they? Continue reading