When Jayne and I were writing our novel, I discovered a new level of Hell. You see, we were using Google Docs (or Google Drive now, I guess) to write our book simultaneously. I was expecting that to be problematic on its own–maybe the Google would get confused by two versions constantly being updated from different computers. I didn’t know how the Google works.
But I did learn that the Google is a fucking moron at English.
It started with Google trying to correct my tense. For some reason, the only tense Google thinks it suitable is the past tense. It doesn’t matter if all the other verbs surrounding this one are present tense–Google thinks this one in particular needs to be past tense. Don’t ask why. It just does. And as any good writer knows, past tense should be used sparingly. I would probably be less annoyed if the Goog suggested all the verbs be changed to past tense, but no–it was only some.
So, I’d get sentences like, “I stoop down and began to tie my shoes.”
Or even more annoying ones like, “I found a bag of froze peas for his bruised knuckles.”
Currently eating:Labne–the Israeli yogurt/cheese spread that I now put on everything. I’ve also discovered that it complements Nutella marvelously on bread and bread-adjacent products, so I guess you can say my diet isn’t going well.
Currently listening to: The hold speech on the after hours nurse helpline because I’m trying to figure out whether I should be alarmed at the continuing pain of my burned finger.
Currently wondering: What the hell these nurses are doing, anyway? Is there some supermoon-induced epidemic they’re dealing with?
Recently watched: A crazy, probably drug-riddled dude rampage through the Castro destroying shrubbery, chasing people, and angrily smashing everything in sight. I enjoyed this from my front row view at a restaurant (whose tree out front was brutally violated) while I sipped a chocolate malt with the boo.
Recently discovered: The one variation of furniture placement I hadn’t tried in my bedroom and now that I’ve rearranged it, the result is GLORIOUS.
Recently agonized over: This damn pain in my finger. Seriously, what’s up with you, finger?
This post is dedicated to Jayne, who lives with this horror every day, and to Julia, who knows that this is an international epidemic.
Look guys, I think we need to have a fundraiser. We’re going to be raising awareness for elderly and disabled bags that clearly don’t get enough seats on the bus. Seats that are otherwise greedily taken up by elderly, pregnant, and disabled humans (eugh, humans).
These poor bags have to carry groceries from point A to point B and then suffer the disgrace and shame of being placed on the floor like some kind of objects. The humiliation and lack of empathy is astounding. Where’s the ACLU? Where’s Rosa Parks? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?