7 Signs You and Your Best Friend are Actually a Gross Couple

We all know friendships come in different packages, but my personal favorite is the Gross Couple Friendship. You know what I mean by gross couple: they finish each other’s sentences, discuss one another in lovey-dovey tones, and like to pass their time with Eskimo kisses or debating who should be the first to hang up. Eugh. Gross.

Or so I thought, until I realized that Jayne and I are basically that gross couple. And here are the signs that you and your bff are too.

1) You like to surprise each other with gifts.

These don’t have to be big or expensive gifts, but sometimes you see something that reminds you of her or something you know she’d like, so you buy it with the selfless goal of making her happy. In our case, it’s either trinkets, books, music, or meatloaf.

Tasteful, elegant gifts.


2) You make super romantic plans and have no shame about it.

You know what Jayne and I wanna do when we get published? Besides buying everyone at the bar a round and then going to indulge in one huge garlic crab each? We’re going to basically have a lost weekend at this adorable bed and breakfast with roaring fireplaces, complimentary wine, bicycles to ride on their coastal trails (er, first I guess I’m going to teach Jayne to ride a bike…), olive trees and all-around tranquility. We’ll be reading and writing and basically having the most romantic weekend ever. Why? Partly because I know we’d both love to pamper ourselves, partly because she and I pretty much enjoy doing all of that, but mostly because when I see or think of something good, I immediately wanna share it with Jayne. Like a couples massage. What? Huh? Is that just us?

3) You take cheesy photos together.

You know how couples love to take photos of themselves kissing or holding hands? Well, Jayne and I aren’t into the PDA but we do take photos of Jayne pretending to give me a piggy-back ride as we both don the most regal of cowboy hats, or photos of us enjoying a candlelit frienniversary dinner, or this:7d19a979-0d3e-4dc3-9bdf-9c105c2a46d4

4) You basically can’t go more than a few hours without talking to each other.

Yeaaah so you just finished hanging out but you thought of something so funny/philosophical/genius to say that you absolutely have to tell her now, or maybe you just miss her, even though she’s literally still within sight.

As I was looking through my old texts, I found this. We were plotting some kind of operation (something sinister, I’m sure), when we were in Paso–together. Literally in adjacent rooms.

“See you in nine hours!” was probably followed by my response, “I’m counting down the minutes!”


This conversation could’ve easily waited until the next day but no. Not with a love like ours.

5) You take into account each other’s well-being all the time.

You can anticipate your best friend’s needs, past the point of a normal person. You can tell when she needs something before she even knows it. You’re always looking out for her, making sure she’s comfortable and happy. You’re basically a Russian grandmother.

In our case, if Jayne gets to a restaurant first, she will order an appetizer for us that she knows will accomodate my dietary restrictions. Once on her birthday, we drove to Napa in the rain and I brought us both socks in case our shoes got soaked. I mean, who even does that?

6) You have a “song.”

You know the one–if you were getting married, it’d be the one you dance your first dance to. It’s the song that you hear on the radio and immediately think of your friend, wanting to give her a call and definitely reading into it, like it’s some kind of sign from the universe that you’re hearing it. As for us, we have several songs, but it’s definitely between “Take on Me” (doy!) and “The Promise.” Still in the running is Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” and “I Would do Anything for Love” by Meatloaf (because, of course).

7) You’re constantly cupcaking.

You either post photo collages of your best friend on her birthday or you are texting her so much that you are ignoring the people you’re with. On our birthdays, Jayne and I practically compose odes to each other and announce our love on Facebook–the modern-day equivalent of yelling your love from the rooftops.



I’m always talking to other people about how great Jayne is to the point that even if they’ve never met her, they know all about her–she’s can kick your ass and then write a quietly heartbreaking story about it.

So, now you know that you guys are a gross couple and it’s sickening. Get a room, you two.

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